Are you born yet? Just wondering...

A close friend of mine had her baby boy this week! She had him by cesarean, and all went very well. Congratulations!! I'm so happy for her and her boyfriend. She and the baby are at home now and are doing well. The new dad had to go back to work already, and is finding it hard to be away from his family. At least he'll have time off and get to spend some time with them during Easter. I've only seen pictures so far, but their baby boy is adorable! They're an eight hour drive from me, so I haven't gotten to meet him yet! I can't wait to go and see them. Once I've finished my classes and we've moved into our new house, I'll have more time! She'll be home with the baby for a few months, and I probably won't be teaching this summer...so, we should have time to see each other and spend some time together! Hey, our kids will probably be around the same age...there's a good chance! That's pretty neat! They can play together someday.

This has made me realize that our child in the Philippines might actually already be born, and be waiting for us! I try not to think about this too much, since I would love to be with our child from as early on in his or her life as possible. Actually, to be completely honest, I would have loved to carry the child in my belly...to experience the baby growing and kicking..to experience the birth and hearing it's first cries. I know this just isn't possible, and I don't want to waste too much time on negative, sad feelings...I prefer to focus on the positive! On the other hand, I have to acknowledge this sadness and this feeling of loss. My husband and I both had to grief and mourn the fact that we'll never have a biological child together that shares our genetics. I know that our adopted child too will be feeling a loss...the loss of his biological mother who carried him for nine months, the loss of the caretakers who took care of him and the culture and the food that he has known till we arrived on the scene to bring him home into our family. It will be hard to talk about these things, but I feel it's important to do so...to deny this is to deny who our child is!! I read somewhere that adoption is based on loss...I disagreed and found that a rather negative statement, and a pretty pessimistic way of looking at adoption when I first read this. As I read on, and as I've had time to think things over, I believe I understand what the author (an adoptee herself) was trying to say. If I want an honest, strong, solid relationship with my child based on trust, I have to acknowledge this loss that we're both feeling, and build on that. I don't want to focus on it and put too much attention on this (I don't want to attribute certain emotions or feelings or end up labelling our child before ever even meeting him!) but I don't want to push it to the side and pretend that everything is perfect and happy and wonderful either. Otherwise, if this truth isn't accepted and talked about openly, if I don't allow myself or our child to feel this pain and sorrow, we'll be living a kind of fantasy. I don't think you can build roots, trully connect or form solid relationships on a fantasy. We'll end up being ships passing in the night...
It's pretty delicate and complicated. I guess we'll figure it out as we go, like all parents do. I just have to trust that we have what it takes and that we'll make good parents.

I made one of my first purchases as well! I bought a children's book, it's really cute! I love reading, and I love books, so I guess it makes sense that one of the first things I bought for our future child is a book! It's called Filipino Friends, and explains some of the differences between North American culture, and Filipino culture. It explores the differences in food and behavior, clothing, etc...all written at a level for children to understand. There are even some basic tagalog words!

Raph started his new position and is house hunting in the evenings. We've found a couple of house that we like online, and he's going to go and visit them. I can't wait for Easter to go and join him! Hopefully, our house over here will sell quickly and easily and we'll find a new place without too much difficulty.