It's been a while since my last posting...I hoped to write more often, but with the move, we don't really have easy access to the internet right now! There is no internet at the rented apartment where we are staying right now. I hope to write more regularly once we've settled into our new house. Another week has passed, and things are still going by very quickly! Yay! Things have been pretty busy with the move, and with looking for a new job. I have started sending off my CV, and have received a few letters of confirmation of receipt, but that's about it for now. Once we’re settled into our new house, I will start looking more actively, both on line and in person.
I know myself, and firmly believe that keeping busy is the best and the healthiest thing to do! If I’m not keeping busy with work (or other productive projects!) and just spending my time at home, waiting for my husband to get home...I will drive both of us insane! It’s funny, but while I’m working and on a regular schedule, I actually get much more accomplished and more done when it comes to household chores like cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping. At first, I was really excited to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to enjoy a couple of years of being at home, taking care of our child. I thought that this was the best option. I had a kind of naive notion of how much fun and enjoyable this would be. Last time when we moved up North from the city, I spent three months at home without a job while we were in the period of transition. I was sooo happy and excited and proud of myself when I found a job teaching English at the local college!! The three months while I wasn’t working felt like the longest months ever! I didn’t feel good about myself, I felt unhappy and restless. When I would meet someone and they would inevitably ask me or my husband what I did for a living, I felt ashamed to say that I was between jobs. I mean, I quit my job to follow my husband up north when he got a promotion. It was a perfectly respectable reason to be without a job...and still I felt bad about myself! So much of our identity is tied to our job, to what we do for a living. This experience made me realize that I probably won’t enjoy being a stay at home mom as much as I had imagined at first! Realistically, I’ll probably get bored and feel eager to get out of the house for some intellectual stimulation! I think it’s important for one of us to stay at home with our child for at least the first six months...to build a strong bond and for the attachment process...but after that, it’s time for me to go back to work and for our child to go to day care! I have to build and have a life of my own.
I always wondered at people who had kids and sent them off to day care when they’re only a few months old. What’s the point of having kids, if you’re just going to send them off to day care or give them to a nanny to take care of?! I now see this a little differently! I realize how important it is for me to be busy and happy and to have a life of my own in order to be the best mom and the best wife I can be! Like I said, I was a much happier and more balanced person when I started teaching again. As a result, I was a much better wife to my husband too! And by extension, I imagine that if I’m occupied and happy with my life I will be a better mother. If that means working and sending our child to day care, then that’s what it will be. Besides, day care is great for socialization, and might actually be very comforting for our child. Our child will be very used to routines and to the institutional life with many children and rules, and he or she will probably be very happy at day care! So, yes, I’ve been re-thinking the stay-at home thing in favour of day care and working. Even if I just work part-time, and even if it’s just in a bookstore selling books...I will have the feeling that I’m being productive and contributing to society, I’ll feel happy and proud of myself. Of course, being a stay at home parent can be very gratifying and rewarding too :0) I admire stay-at-home parents, and truly believe that it's the hardest job in the world...
Of course, I do not speak from personal experience! Once we actually have a child, I might re-think everything again. We'll just have to go with the flow and take things as they come....just take it one step at a time!! That seems to be the motto :0)
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Cum să păstrezi pâinea proaspătă mai mult timp
7 months ago
Dear Amber,
ReplyDeleteThat is a great post. I understand what you mean about feeling less productive around the house when you are at home. It's funny how the less you do, the less you feel like doing. As for daycare/stay at home, I don't think the choice you will make will ever be permanent. You may decide to stay at home for a few years and then go back to work. You have the chance of doing that.
When we first had Noémie, I was starting the second year of my bachelor's degree, I had to keep up with my studies... The first semester I stayed at home and my friend would drop off copies of the notes she had taken in class. I would read, do the exercises, turn in the reports, and do the exams. I even took Noémie to class once. :o) It was heart-wrenching when to start bringing her to a baby-sitters when she was only 3 months. But I had the advantage of having the flexible schedule of a student so I didn't leave her there for hours on end. We spent quite a bit of time together and I never missed a single first (first food, first steps, first everything...). And her babysitter was a sweetheart. Just like a grand-mother.
I then had Elena as I was finishing my Master's degree. I go to stay at home for 6 months, while taking care of the kids and writing my thesis. It was amazing but very unproductive thesis-wise :o). Also, very unproductive money-wise. There is no "Parental leave" when you are a student so no money was coming in on my front. My husband works very hard and has a great job but he will never have more than an Technician Salary (unless he goes back to school :o)). So, I had no choice, I had to find a job. It didn't take long. We put Noémie into day-care because she was 3 and we felt she needed to socialize and get ready for pre-school but we wanted Elena to get one-on-one care like Noémie had had at the beginning. But we were very unlucky with the babysitter we found for Elena. After a few weeks I wanted to quit my job and take my baby home. But then, we found the best babysitter ever!!! But god did I miss those kids!!! I didn't have the flexible schedules anymore and it was driving me crazy. I kept having moments where I wanted to be home full time but seeing my kids faces amongst their friends, their happiness and their evolution, I almost thought it would cause more pain and distress for them than keeping on with the routine we had established.
We live right next to the babysitters and day-care so I would finish work at 4:30 and we would be home at 4:35... :o) 8:30 start in the morning.
Now, it's even better. I work out of home most of the time so they can come right on home from school when I am here. When I am on the road, it's a little different... and a totally new subject which I am bound to talk about on my blog soon because it's driving me crazy!!! :o)
Ok Amber, I can't believe I had so much to say! Someone strap my fingers please!!!!
;o) Have a great weekend!!!
Amber,
ReplyDeleteI definitely don't think that I could be a stay at home Mom. It must be the hardest job there is. I love my job and I would love to work part time but that most likely won't happen. I get 8.5 months off after the adoption and I'm sure by then I be looking forward to returning to work. I know that that may sound bad but I totally agree with everything you posted. You need to be happy yourself in order to help your child be happy.
Good luck in finding a job. I'm sure that one will fall right into your lap when you least expect it! Take care.
Amber,
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post! I can understand everything you shared. I have been on every end of the spectrum...a full-time student, a stay at home mom, a part-time employee, and a full-time employee. Each one has its advantages and its drawbacks. With our daughter, she really needed the socialization with other children. It helped her blossom and become more confident of herself so by the time she started kindergarten, she looked at her daddy and mommy and said, "You can go now." Tugged at our hearts but we were glad she was confident enough to stay there alone without us. In Jay-R's case, I was given 12 weeks off work which included our week in the Philippines. I think this time was important for his bonding and attachment. Now, though, that I am back to work full-time, I am learning how to find balance and structure. I've had to slow down on some of our other activities, but overall, I feel good about everything. He is doing so well at school three days a week both socially and academically. He is learning that Mommy and Daddy always come back and to trust different caregivers which is important because his kindergarten teacher will likely experience a sick day at some point when he starts school. Jay-R is also creating bonds with other family members and his relationship with Daddy has blossomed so much. I feel healthier knowing he isn't clinging to me and I feel that I can allow him to develop these relationships with others. When he runs into my arms when I pick him up at daycare, that's all the reassurance I need. I feel productive at work, love my job, and feel challenged in different ways. I have a whole new respect for stay at home mothers now, though! I don't think there is anything wrong with working and having children. Parents need to do what works best for their own individual families. This is a long response but it really resonated with me. As mothers, we feel and go through so many emotions with children...it's nice to be reminded we're not alone!
I could hear some of my thoughts in much of what you've written here. In some ways, I still think the same way, but in many ways, my thoughts have changed thanks to my one year leave of absence from work...which (unfortunately, ...and fortunately...) is coming to a close. I strongly believed that it was necessary for one parent to stay home with our daughter--- for attachment purposes. i have absolutely no regrets about it because in retrospect, I needed that attachment time as much as she did. But, how I felt about being a stay-at-home mom varied at different times. I think I would have gone back to work in a heartbeat during the first three months. Now, it is quite different, partly because it's gotten a lot more fun for many reasons. Also,maybe I needed a year to realize just how dispensible I really was :-) and I mean that in a good way; and how much there was to enjoy in different aspects of my life. That said, I'm looking forward to going back to work and I'm glad for the opportunity for additional socialization that daycare will provide for her. I am sure you will find what works best for your family.
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