On dealing with infertility

I got back on Sunday night from a great weekend with Raphael in Gatineau...it was short, but sweet! I drove down alone with the dog (I'm pretty proud of myself!) Poor Carbon got motion sickness and threw up in the car on the way down. What a yucky mess! It's a good thing we decided to put a stain resistant spray on our back seat! It cleaned very well. I guess it's good practice for when we have kids :0) The drive back went much better. I stopped more often to let her run around, I guess that helped!

Raph and I took our dog for a walk in Gatineau Park On Saturday. It's such a beautiful, big park...I know we're going to love hiking with the dog over there, going for bike rides, bringing a lunch and going for a picnic. I saw that there's a kind of beach too...even camping and canoeing! I can't wait...

We're in the middle of moving. Raph just started a new position, and he's thinking of doing his MBA next year, and I've always dreamed of doing my Ph.D. I'm looking for a new job as well. We've got lots of projects on the table and our lives are pretty full with family and friends. That being said...we're very eager to have a child! We strongly desire to become a family. The best way I can explain it is that we just don't feel complete without our child!
It comes in waves though, it depends on the day. Somedays I'm really busy, content and fulfilled and time just seems to fly by...other days, I just wonder when it will be our turn and I feel a little jealous! I read someone else admit to this on her blog, and it has given me the courage to admit to it too :0) I'm not proud of it, on the contrary I'm rather ashamed...envy and jealousy are ugly...but it's unfortunately true. I'm kind of jealous of my friends who are pregnant or have children, and I'm even envious of those who've gotten their referral. Of course I'm genuinely very, very happy for my friends, but it's often tinged with jealousy and pain when it comes to having babies and children. Especially in the dark witching hours of the night, I struggle with my emotions and lie awake thinking to myself "why not me?" or "why not us?" Raph and I are a wonderful, intelligent, loving couple (if I do say so myself!) We're responsible, well-educated adults with good jobs and a stable lifesyle...so indeed, why not us?! At this point, I usually have my childlike reaction and think to myself...it's just not fair!! My dad used to always tell me that no one said life was fair when I shouted that. It always worked...because it's true! Who said life was fair?! Whoever promised us that?! There is no right or wrong, fair or unfair in our infertility issues...it just is!! It's been very difficult to accept and come to terms with, but it's simply a fact. Our reality. I don't think anyone "deserves" a child more than another. Everybody's got a story, everyone has their own struggles.

We've been waiting for what feels like such a long time and we've gone through so much to have a child! We went through fertility treatments for over two years before going to adoption. Putting together a file takes nearly a year of hard labour and energy with the psychological evaluations, and all of the paperwork. I guess it's no wonder that after all of that, the wait can feel like an eternity sometimes...
Since I turned thirty, it's gotten harder. I always thought that I would have my first child by the time I'm thirty...watching everyone else around me start their families, and not being able to do the same is difficult. It's that biological clock that's ticking, it's just in our nature! We can't help it, we've been programmed that way for thousands of years. It's such a primal desire to want to bear children. I guess we just have to trust that when the time is right, our turn will come...
Raph and I have grieved the idea that we'll never have a biological child together, nor will we ever experience pregnancy (although almost everyone who's gone through it tells me it is highly overrated...but I don't care! I would have loved to experience this...)
Grieving was a very difficult and painful process. We came out of it stronger and closer as a couple, and we'd still love to experience raising children together, finally becoming a family!!
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Had I gotten pregnant, it could have cost me my health. Through adoption, we are hopefully giving a child a chance for a much better quality of life, which might otherwise not have been the case. I know that my mom is right about one thing...once we have children, we'll be wondering why the heck we were in such a rush. Why didn't we just enjoy our freedom and our time together as a couple when we had the chance!? Being parents is hard work, a full-time job! Is it because of pressure from society? First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes...well, the baby in the baby carriage, no?! Ask any five year old, they'll tell you! It's hard some days, not to get lost in the dream of the future...but we have to stay and live in the present...enjoy the moment to the fullest! Our children will be there before we know it...and we have the whole rest of our lives to be moms.

You know what I read in a book about adoption today? I read that caretakers in orphanages often promise children a world filled with toys and trips to Disneyland when they go live with their new families. I guess they try to make the future enticing to them as well. I had to laugh when I read that! Who knew?! If that's true, then our child is going to be pretty disappointed when he or she gets here! Are we in for a major reality check when the rose tinted sunglasses come off?! Hmmmm....I guess time will tell.